I hate being so confused with myself. I hate it. I want to be a guy but then I’m still in this girl body so I get the feeling I should just be a girl, I’m never going to be able to afford testosterone and getting the surgery. I’m a piece of shit no good person who’s confused and lost and helpless. I can’t talk to my dad he doesn’t really accept me, he’s always pressuring me on being a girl and he wants me to have kids with a guy, I can’t talk to my mom because I don’t even really get a response I get ” oh yeah? that’s cool” I feel like if I’m a boy at least I’ll be able to get and keep a girl, I’ll have more confidence and be more outgoing also less shy, I’ll be who I see myself being, but it’s never going to happen, when I have a positive attitude everything goes to shit anyway so I really have no hope whatsoever for myself, I hate myself, I hate everything I am physically and I hate how much this confusion hurts me and how much knowing certain things is literally killing me inside, I just can’t hold back any longer, I can barely handle myself anymore. What am I ? I’m nothing and that’s all I’ll ever be. The only little hope I do have is love, and that’s not going go at all. I feel like I should just give up already, I literally sit here everyday I do nothing, I hold and hide my feelings and tears, I hurt soooo badly, my head, heart, everything. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want something to go good for once, I want to be happy with myself, I want to be who I see.. I just don’t know anymore. I live for nothing.
(Source: eyesthroughthebroken.tumblr.com )
The thing that depresses me MAJORLY is not being a guy, and I think the longer I wait the more and more I confuse myself and get these crazy “girl” thoughts running through my head, it’s horrible and sickening. It sucks deeply, and I truly want to be a guy and I want all of my family and my girlfriend to accept it if they don’t already, it’s pretty much like I’m a guy trapped in a girls body. Literally that’s the only thing it really ever will be. One day hopefully I can throw a benefit towards starting my physical transitioning and I can really be happy with myself. Until then I’m going to mentally make myself stable for this new life and I’m going to buy and do whatever I have to do until I can afford the actual transition when I turn 18 and I really would love for the support of mainly my family and my girlfriend and my best friend of course. I love you guys dearly.